it's really not giving shots, or starting iv's or taking someone's blood pressure that makes me feel like a nurse that's worthwhile. it's when a little girl runs into a rural clinic with her finger cut open crying her eyes out because thieves had broken into her home and tried to stab her and instead got her finger....and she sits down to get stitches and they don't have anesthetic, so they just begin to sew. so i walk in at the opportune time...and get to squeeze this girl's hand as tight as i can & look in her eyes while she's experiencing the worst pain. and as i'm sitting there i see all this blood and i can't help but think....does this girl have hiv? but i can't let it bother me. instead i pray a little prayer hoping God will protect me and i give this girl the little i have to offer. and that's an armpit for her to dig her head into, and hand for her to squeeze so hard i literally thought i was going to lose my circulation. and all the while this girl is so upset and in such pain...but after it's all over and the procedure is done...she looks up at me and gives me the biggest smile i've gotten since i've been here.
and that's what i call being a nurse.
only took 5 years of college education to learn how to do that :)


internet is hard to come by. i wish i could write all day.

five loaves of bread & two fish

got to play with babies today. i gave away a whole bag of suckers. i took pictures of gorgeous kids with beaming smiles and the most beautiful eyes. oh swaziland. you have something to offer that no where else in the world even comes close to.

Psalm 121
I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?

My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;

indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;

the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

Jesus does a good job at putting the right words in front of you at the right times. i've listened to more sermons, sat in on more devotions, and heard more people pray from the heart than i have in the past year. and i don't fall asleep. i don't get bored. hearing a swazi pastor speak makes your heart beat fast and your palms sweat. they are intense. and it's amazing. i had to pray for a group of people today. just like 2 years ago. good thing i expected it this time. my voice cracked though and i sounded really weird.
i also am figuring out that even though i'm not some confident RN, it's not all i have to offer. and the smallest things that are given to God turn into huge gifts that can reach anyone. i can give a sucker to a little girl and her face lights up for hours. i have more to offer than i ever imagined. i started out with five loaves and two fish and i can't WAIT to see what that grows into...
still struggling. still figuring myself out. still getting to know a new side of me that i've never even began to meet.
i love you guys. SO MUCH. i've got some pretty amazing friends.

-mer

honesty

i haven't written on here yet cause i figured people wouldn't want to know that i've cried myself to sleep for 2 nights. but my friend told me...people just wanna hear the truth. and they'll appreciate honesty. and well, people will pray for me which is always a good thing.
this is so much harder than i ever imagined. reality has definitely set in and i'm not in love with it quite yet.
i do love it here. all the things that remind me why i fell in love are still so evident and they're the only things keeping me sane. and it's not that i miss a boy...or i miss my family...i'm just scared out of my mind that i'm not cut out for this. two months sounded like such a SHORT amount of time 6 months ago. now it seems like an eternity.
it's getting better rather than worse. which is good.
tomorrow is church and a relaxing day, which....sounds so great except for the fact it gives me too much time to think :) it's better when im' busy. then monday get to work with the hiv aids task force and go out and see patients that are too sick to make it to the hospital. i got paired up with david rothwell (doctor from okc) and got called a colleague. that's just nuts. i'm nervous i'm not smart enough and haven't had enough experience for this! but i do really like having credentials at the end of my name. that feels pretty good.
right now seth is beat boxing on skype.
prayers are appreciated. sorry it's not an uplifting happy encouraging update. hopefully those are to come...

md

it's july 22nd

it hasn't really hit me yet. i'm not sure it will until i'm in the airport saying bye for the last time. my stomach hurts though, really bad. the last couple have days have been filled with saying bye to all the people i love and i've discovered that i'm not a fan of saying goodbye. nope. not one bit.
i AM excited. i AM ready....i think. i'm just scared and i know it's Satan trying to get his hold on me. unknowns are looming and instead of looking at it as a threat i should be looking at it knowing that God has room to move.
i depart OKC at 11:48 am, fly to Washington and then on to South Africa. right off the plane we'll make the 4 hour drive to Swaziland.
Swaziland is 7 hours ahead of Oklahoma.

Jesus, calm my racing heart. and be with every single person i love that i'm leaving and keep them safe. and don't let anything TOO neat happen while i'm gone, let it happen when i get home :) be with everyone traveling today and help me to embrace this AMAZING opportunity i've been given. it's been 2 years in the making and it's been only by your grace that i even get to go. i don't want this to slip by, i don't want it to be gone before i have a chance to embrace it for what it is.

when it's all said and done
no one remembers
how far we have run
the only thing that matters
is how we have loved

i don't want to miss
even just a second
more of this

i love you guys. email me at meredithdiffee@gmail.com
see you september 30th

-meredith